Many days/evenings were filled with Craig and dancing through life. They laughed and joked and flirted and adored each other. He was just always so upbeat and lively that it was infectious.

But the day came when he witnessed her serious/logical self. He didn't know how to deal with that person. She had things she wanted to be serious about and would get anxious over. There was no one that held her to a higher standard than she did herself.

Craig soon got bored with that side of her and disappeared. The calls stopped and she didn't see him for weeks.

Then one day he was there in front of her. He told her he came back to see what she was up to...and she knew he was checking on her mood. She seemed to be more relaxed so he started hanging around again.

He said that he figured that he would probably be in and out of her way for a while. He really was drawn to her but he needed to go off and do other things every now and then. He hoped it wouldn't always be that way and one day they would both have more time and attention for each other.

She found him amusing and irritating at the same time. He irritated her when she wanted to be serious about some things and he just wanted to always be joking around or just avoiding serious issues. She wasn't sure she could handle that all day, every day. And she knew he couldn't handle her all day, every day the way she was. Yet, mostly, she did adore him.

Then, a time came when she had to move a little farther away for more schooling. He wasn't interested in that, he told her. He would keep in touch. He didn't. Then, one day, she received some newspaper clippings from a friend. They were of Craig. He was in a play. She was terribly happy for him becuz it was what he loved to do. The last clipping, though, showed a picture of one of the female cast members. It announced her engagement to Craig.

Her knees buckled under her. She stared at the picture for a long time. She didn't recognize the girl. This was so very unexpected. Or was it? How could she ever REALLY believe that she and Craig would always be in and out of each other's lives, or ever be able to make it work on a constant basis?

She moved back to town on the day of his wedding. She knew it was his wedding day. She wanted to go...and she didn't want to go. It was like attending a funeral. She just needed to make sure it was dead. But the ceremony was closed to invitation only. A friend of hers had told her that Craig's bride-to-be wanted it that way to keep HER away. That means Craig had talked about her.

She saw the wedding picture in the paper. And she read where he had joined the Air Force. The Air Force. Something she never imagined he would ever do.

A month later, early one morning, she received a phone call from Craig. He told her how on the morning of his wedding he had gone to the park and was flying a kite...waiting for her to come find him and stop him. When she didn't find him, he decided it was meant for him to marry Connie. He joined the Air Force becuz he felt he needed to learn some discipline and be able to support his wife. Now, he was feeling he made a mistake. He wanted her. He wanted to leave Connie and he wanted her.

She sat and listened...and her heart was breaking. She still loved him. She still adored him. Then she heard herself telling him that he needed to stay with Connie and make it work. There had obviously been something strong there for him to ask Connie to marry him...he had never even talked about it with her. He must really love Connie deeply. He was just having a difficult time getting used to all the new things he had done...marriage, Air Force, moving to the other side of the country.

He listened and when she was done he said, "You may be right, but I still feel like we have another chapter left." He hung up and she never heard from him again.

Craig was lively...always dancing around...full of life and energy. Even when he was upset with someone he had a smile on his face. It didn't mean that he let things slide by...he had his own way of getting even. Nothing really malicious, just something planned and just enough to get his point across.

He danced around her talking in his quick words and phrases...couldn't seem to stand still. Throwing amusing one liners at her, then sat down and grinned at her. She couldn't help but laugh. When she laughed he relaxed then quickly leaned forward and kissed her. It was quick but deliberate and it astonished her. He shrugged and laughed again.

They spent the next hour telling funny stories to each other and laughing. He held her hand and would kiss her on the cheek every now and then.

He wore an odd sort of hat and she finally asked him about it. He said it was one that his uncle had given him and he wore it alot. It was near and dear to his heart. She just nodded. She knew how it felt to have such an attachment to an inanimate object. She had a stuffed kitten that she had kept with her where ever she moved in her life. It made her feel safe, somehow.

He led her onto the dance floor and held her in his arms with just the right amount of tenderness...just the right amount of pressure. She felt good in his arms. She could feel his breath on her neck and it made her give a little shiver. She heard him laugh a little.

When the song was over, he insisted on taking her home. He also insisted on just making sure she got to her door all right. He wanted to spend more time with her, to get to know her. He said he knew the moment he saw her that their paths had to cross and that there would be a long journey of parallel lives. She had no words to add. She felt like she had fallen into his pale blue eyes. He touched her cheek and she smiled.

She perplexed herself. She had OFTEN heard others tell her that they were confused by her. They never really knew what to expect. She was an ice cream soup of neopolitan. Just when they thought they had her figured out, she did/said something that just sucker punched them.

It wasn't until taking one of those 'tests', an interest inventory...that little bit of genius material shoved under ppl's noses at different intervals in their lives that was supposed to help them understand what goals they should set for themselves, what path they should follow, what 'career' they are best suited for...that she realized just how bad it was. Even this test couldn't pin her down. She had a mind for the logical...a great aptitude for numbers and all that numbers could do. She also had a keen sensitivity and understanding for others...compassion/patience/a general ability to 'read' who they were and what they needed. She was at two extreme ends of the scale. She didn't 'fit'.

That was her whole life. She didn't fit. Everytime she tried to conform to one end of her 'scale' or the other, it would only last for so long. She never seemed to be able to deny her other 'half'. It would fight to the surface and then she would find herself on the outside looking in again. Never totally accepted. Everyone circling around her, with polite smiles, yet, looking perplexed. Eventually, they wouldn't even notice.

Every once in a while, just to be sure she WAS still living and hadn't disappeared altogether, she would do something wild, unacceptable...like a child laying down in the middle of the floor, in the middle of a party or store, and screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking her feet and pounding her fists. She always felt extremely embarrassed afterwards, and it didn't really endear her to anyone, but at least she knew that she WAS still visible...still alive...not a ghost or a figment of someone's imagination.

She had walls...she lived in a bubble...but she really waited...waited for the ONE person that would look at her without looking through her...the ONE person that would embrace her and hold her close...the ONE person that would NOT try to figure her out or expect her to fit in...the ONE person that just loved her complexity, didn't mind the changes, didn't expect her to do something for them...the ONE person that ALWAYS saw her/heard her...the ONE person to whom she mattered...the ONE person that would notice if she wasn't there or sitting in a corner by herself and come looking for her.

(the first part is on my other blog: Daily Changes)

This guy is so amazing that I just HAD to put him on both blogs!

Barricades of Heaven






Running on Empty:

Like water that falls over the cliff
Nourishing nature and making all things green
I’ve draped my soul upon you
And gave of myself as a place for you to lean

You are like the desert at night
So dry, so cold, gathering all my energy
Saving all that you possess
Instead of allowing a massive synergy

Survival skills for you are an art
You have created the ultimate vacuum
I’ve been drawn in too long
Of my weakness you just assume

The core of me has been saved
There’s a strength that has been dormant
My heart will no longer lead
My stubbornness will be my instrument

I have my own survival art
I found a spiritual renewal on my own
Each day it grows within me
Rising from beneath the sand alone